


Feel the Fear (And Do It Anyway)

by Ikkleosu



Category: Peter Kay's Car Share (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-11
Updated: 2017-12-11
Packaged: 2019-02-13 15:54:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12987408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ikkleosu/pseuds/Ikkleosu
Summary: Kayleigh’s walk to work the morning after her fight with John will challenge her in surprising ways.





	Feel the Fear (And Do It Anyway)

Every step Kayleigh took, her right shoe rubbed against the seam of her tights and caused her toes to throb. She could have stopped, adjusted herself and eased the pain yet part of her didn't really care. No matter how much it hurt it couldn't touch the pain in her heart that had been completely consumed her since she’d left John’s car the day before. In fact, somehow the pain in her foot seemed fitting for her mood as she climbed the stairs from the metro, swept up in the crowd of fellow commuters.

Part of her wanted to stop every single person who trudged past her and shout at them that her heart was breaking. She wanted to scream and shout and cry, but instead she kept her head down as she let the throng carry her along the street. Well, she had already done plenty of crying, alone in Mandy’s box bedroom, muffling her sobs into a pillow. Every hope she had been harbouring, every dream she’d let herself playout in her mind, had come crashing down when John had said those words. “Friends”. “Car share buddies”. They stung like her foot, each word he’d said pouring cold water on the flame in her heart.

Frankly, she was as angry at herself as anything. It was her own fault getting carried away with her heart. John had always been upfront. He was happy as he was. He wasn't interested in romance, in love. He wanted his life to stay just like it was. But every time she reminded herself of all those things he’d said, a dozen other memories would crowd them out. Memories of his hand in hers; his eyes on her, crinkled and soft; his laugh when she said something daft; and his lips so, so close to hers…

The crowd had dispersed as she reached the corner, people all filtering off in different directions as they hit the junction. Kayleigh shook her head unconsciously. No, it was stupid to think about those things, those moments. This was John Redmond. Straight as a die, about as risky as loaf of white slice. He had set out his stall early. He wasn't going to change his heart, he wouldn't even change his toothpaste.

At that moment, as she took another step around the corner a flash of red caught her eye. There, parked in that same spot he had waited for her all those weeks ago, was a red and white Fiat. Her stomach flipped, but there was no sign of John, and the car behind was parked so close she couldn't see the registration. No, don't be daft, it's a coincidence, she convinced herself. She tucked her head down and stuffed her hands into her coat pockets against the morning chill that early autumn was bringing, and marched on resolutely. 

“Kayleigh!” 

John’s voice was unmistakable, and Kayleigh’s head shot up at the sound of it. There he was, squashed between the car and the car door as traffic whizzed past. He waved, but when she just stood there he looked around, freed himself from the car completely and dashed across the road. He called her name again as he approached, even though she hadn't moved. She felt frozen on the spot. The sight of him filling her with happiness and pain and irritation all at once. Did he think they could just go back to being buddies? Did he think it was just one of their silly tiffs?

“What is it John?” she sighed, not hiding any of her emotion. 

“I wanted to… fancy a lift?” He gave a game attempt at a smile but it didn't touch his eyes.

Kayleigh sighed. It was so tempting, wanting so badly to just be with him, just forget it all and get in the car and laugh and sing but she knew it wouldn't last. Couldn't last. It wasn't enough for her. “I can't, John. I told you. I can't do this anymore.”

John frowned a little, his false smile fading. “I know… I just… I thought we could talk.” 

Kayleigh met his eyes. “You made it pretty clear you didn't have anything to say yesterday. And I have certainly said enough…”

She didn't mean to sound as sharp as she did, but it was still too raw and the memory of the last words she’d said - coupled with the visual of him gaping like a fish in response - just made her bite back hard. John at least had the grace to look uncomfortable. 

“I know…” he repeated. “But I think I’ve changed my mind, there's things I want to say, need to say.” 

His tone was hard to read, and Kayleigh fought her emotions to keep them in check. She wasn't going to get carried away, not again… but having him there, his voice in her ears, she wanted to hope so badly. Yet she let her head do the talking for once.

“Well, you can say it here.” She folded her arms across the chest. “I mean, what do you need to say that you could say in the thirty seconds it takes to drive from here to work? It can't be much so you can just tell me here and I’ll walk to work.”

“I wasn't going to take you to work…” For the first time in the conversation, his eyes took on a sparkle as he spoke.

“What? John Redmond, encouraging an employee to sack off work? Where were you going to take me then?” Kayleigh was incredulous, and curiosity was getting the better of her broken heart.

“I don't want to say… it’s… well…” He fumbled for words, then changed tack. “And you wouldn't be sacking work off. I got you the morning off.”

Kayleigh nearly fainted at that. “Are you kidding? How?” For the moment she had forgotten the why, preoccupied only by the fact John seemed to have been struck by invasion of the body snatchers. 

“I told Kath Hilton you had a family emergency…”

“Did my grandad die?”

“No! I didn't specify. Jesus! I just said you wouldn't be in this morning…”

Kayleigh was not entirely following the chain of events, and thus she wasn't exactly sure what she should be feeling. “That was presumptuous of you… and what about you? If you are taking me… wherever,” She swung her arm dramatically at the road behind them. “That means you’ll be missing work too? Or are you just playing taxi driver?”

“No, no, I told her I would be late in ‘cos I was taking my Nana home ‘cos she stayed at mine.”

“Oh, is she okay?” 

At Kayleigh’s words, John put his hand over his eyes and shook his head. “Yes, you plank, I took her home yesterday. Keep up! I was lying!”

“Alright! I don't know, do I?” The reminder of the day before, and what had unfolded, made Kayleigh’s heartache flare back to life. “I don't know what you did last night. I don't know what you’re doing right now, when I told you I didn't want to see you anymore…”

“I’m trying to make a big gesture, for Christ’s sake! I’m trying to explain and you’re asking me if you’re grandad is dead!” John snapped, frustration clear in his voice.

“Well, it's going really well then isn’t it?!” Kayleigh snapped back.

“Yet again!” John flung his arms open in despair, and in that moment Kayleigh cracked at the totally ludicrous situation and burst into a giggle.

For a second John looked hurt then gave a chuckle and relaxed his arms. “I told you I am not good at this stuff…” 

“I believe you,” Kayleigh smiled.

“Look, do you trust me?” John put his hand on Kayleigh’s arm as he spoke. She glanced down at his hand loosely gripping her, and tried to act like she hadn't noticed his touch. But boy had she.

“I did.” 

John visibly winced at her words. “Well, just this once more? Please?”

Kayleigh sighed, making out it was a chore when inside her heart had decided long ago. Whatever he asked, she would say yes. “Okay… but only ‘cos you got me the morning off.”

He immediately reacted, brightening up and broke into a smile. “C’mon then…”

Kayleigh followed behind as he dashed across the road and climbed back into the car. She chewed her lip as she opened the door and got in the passenger side. Getting back in John’s car was like slipping on her dressing gown, nestling into a place of safety, security and happiness - well, that was until yesterday. She fought emotions that tumbled over each other, jostling for supremacy. Was she getting her hopes up, just to have them dashed again? Was John setting up to tell her why they could only be friends? Maybe he was gay after all? That would explain a lot.

“So, are you going to tell me where we’re going?”

“Nope,”John gave her a quick glance and rearranged his hands on the steering wheel. “Just be patient.”

Kayleigh began to imagine all the possibilities. Maybe he was taking her back to the safari park? Maybe he was taking her back to Mandy’s? Maybe he was taking her to another store that he had transferred her to? So they wouldn't have to awkwardly see each other anymore? Maybe he had taken her at her word that she wanted to be out of his life?

The thought terrified her, yet she had been so resolute about it yesterday. She needed to get that strength back. He couldn't just throw her a bone and she would come running. She deserved someone who loved her back as fully as she loved him. If it wasn't him, she had to move on.

As her thought process unravelled, she unconsciously gripped her bag on her lap harder and harder. Suddenly she realised they had turned a corner, stopped in traffic and the click click of the indicator showed they were about to turn right.

“John… is this… is this where you’re taking me?”

John ignored her question as a gap in the traffic allowed him to cross lanes and turn into the car wash car park. Kayleigh desperately looked all around for any other possible destination. 

As they joined the queue behind the two cars in front of them, John grinned at Kayleigh as if he had just delivered her to Disneyland. 

“The car wash? John, you know I hate these… I’m aqua-”

“Aquaphobic,” John said along with her. “I know. Don't you remember what happened last time I tried to get the car washed?”

“Uh, yes, obviously. I ended up breathing into a poppadom bag…” Kayleigh strained out the window distractedly. “I can’t even listen to Mmmbop anymore! Is this some kind of joke? Are you trying to torture me or something?” she said as she turned back to a still smiling John. 

“No, don't be daft. Look this is your biggest fear right? Well, you know what my biggest fear was?”

“Snakes? Going bald? The canteen running out of custard?” 

“Ha. Bloody. Ha.” John rolled his eyes as Kayleigh just looked at him in confusion. “No, it was…” He swallowed hard and looked away. “It was falling in love.” 

Kayleigh sputtered a laugh.

“I’m serious…” John protested. 

Kayleigh noticed his neck had flushed red, and it gave her a thrill. “I’m sorry, John,” she said, laying a hand on his arm. “It’s just… this is ridiculous… this whole thing is crazy. Five minutes ago I was walking to work, now I am sat here about to do some kind of I’m a Celebrity trial with you talking about biggest fears. I don't know what I’m meant to be feeling.”

John sighed again. “Just listen will you? After Charlotte, Christ even after Anna, I was so afraid of getting caught up in all that again. I mean it hurt enough as it was, and I was never really in love with them - not really- so I could only imagine how much more painful it would be if I was in love.”

Kayleigh watched him intently as he spoke. He had turned his head forwards and never once flicked his eyes away from the windscreen, his knuckles white on the steering wheel. Kayleigh breathed hard trying to remain in control. What he was saying could fall one of two ways and she didn't want to assume either one.

“I was scared of thinking I was in love when I wasn't, and hurting y… the person, like I hurt Charlotte. And I was afraid of really being in love, and me being the one hurt cos knowing me I would balls it up somehow and she would leave…”

“She?” Kayleigh interrupted, irrational thoughts teasing her mind. Was there someone else this whole time? Maybe she didn't know John as well as she thought she did?

John turned his head to look at her, but he didn't answer her question.

“Remember how you felt when we came here the first time?” he asked instead.

“Scared out of my pants, thought I was going to have to claw my way out of this car… I still might. We're not actually going through that thing are we, John?” Kayleigh indicated the car wash in front of them, which was now closer as the first car had driven through. “I still don't understand what we’re doing here?” 

“That was because you were afraid, ‘cos of your aquaphobia wasn't it? You were freaking out, and being irrational and wanted to run away and we had to back out with only half the bloody car washed- “

“Okay John,” Kayleigh interrupted what she felt was a character assassination. “I get the point, I was a mess. It's not my fault, I said I was sorry. I’m not proud of it, you know?”

John smiled softly. “I do know, that's what I am trying to tell you, ‘cos that's how I felt yesterday when you started talking about all that … stuff.” He still seemed unable to actually talk about the content of the conversation and it worried Kayleigh.

John paused as he moved the car forwards again. “I wasn't expecting that, I wasn't ready. It was something I had been trying to avoid, like you with showers in the second year. But you kept pressing on and on-”

“Okay John!” Kayleigh repeated, getting more irritated by the second. If this was just some convoluted way of him trying to get her to feel sorry for him, or excuses for why they could only be friends, she was actually going to thump him.

“I wasn't prepared to face my biggest fear and I panicked,” John carried on regardless. 

“Oh is that what you call it?” Kayleigh huffed. She wasn't any closer to seeing through the fog of whatever it was John was trying to explain. Why couldn't he just come straight out and say what it is he wanted to say? Why did he gave to go all round the houses rather than just open up? This was just a repeat of yesterday. And as if on cue, John pulled out his mobile phone and started scrolling through the screens with his thumb.

“I panicked!” John repeated emphatically, while his concentration fell on the phone in his hand. “And then you got out the car…”

“John, I don't know what you’re trying to say!” Kayleigh held her palm up in despair. She couldn't take any more of this uncertainty, she just wanted to be able to see clearly, see where her future lay. The looming giant blue brushes of the car wash added to her urgency. “Will you get to the point or let me out ‘cos I can't do this again!” 

Did she mean the car wash or the conversation? She wasn't sure herself.

John sighed in response. “Gimme a minute... will you just listen? I realised when you got out the car; when I drove home without you next to me, that I was wrong.” 

Kayleigh’s head snapped up at that, as the whirring round of the drying brushes on the car in front filled her ears.

“I was wrong, falling in love wasn't my biggest fear. It wasn't the worst thing that could happen to me. It was losing you. It was letting you walk out of my life without you knowing how I feel about you…” 

Kayleigh felt as if she’d stopped breathing. “And what do you feel?” She spoke quietly, desperate for an answer but afraid to hear it at the same time.

John gave a half smile, then held up his phone towards her. “Maybe this will tell you... “ He pressed the play button on his screen and the familiar voice of Forever FM came out of the speaker.

“John, no more games!” Kayleigh implored.

John held up a finger for her to wait.

“... a text here from John. He’s stuck in gridlock…” 

Kayleigh looked from the phone to John and back again, as he handed his phone to her to continue listening while he turned and wound down his window and punched his code into the machine.

“... nobody puts Kayleigh in the corner…”

She looked up but John was concentrating on maneuvering the car onto the tracks. Tears welled in her eyes. He had been trying to tell her, in his own, ham-fisted, backwards way. 

As the opening notes of Marillion’s Kayleigh filled the car, John turned back to his Kayleigh while the machinery around them sprang to life. “What I feel is you helped me realise what I was really afraid of, and you helped me confront it... because you made me realise that there is nothing worse in the world for me than you walking out of my life. And I thought maybe I could help you see that your biggest fear isn’t as scary as you thought it was.”

“John…” tears spilled over into her cheeks as the carwash brushes began to spin. “I don't understand…”

As she spoke John turned in his seat to face her and took her face in his hands, directing her head until they were face to face. “I thought maybe I could help you confront your aquaphobia…”

The car grew dark as the brushes closed in on them. Panic rose in Kayleigh with the sound of the water jets hitting the windows, and instinctively she tried to turn her head to look but John held her face firmly in his big hands. 

“Listen to the words,” he whispered.

“...Kayleigh is it too late to say I'm sorry?  
And Kayleigh could we get it together again?  
I just can't go on pretending that it came to a natural end…”

 

“What I feel,” he said, as Kayleigh’s attention returned fully to what was happening inside the car, “is that I am in love with you Kayleigh Kitson, and I am sorry I took so long to say it.”

All thoughts of water and fear evaporated from Kayleigh’s mind, as every single inch of her body was filled up with his words. And a second later even those coherent thoughts melted away as John closed the gap between them and pressed his lips gently to hers. 

Within moments, Kayleigh had wound her arms around his neck and was pulling him closer as she deepened the kiss, and their lips parted and met over and over and over again.

The next thing she was aware of outside of her body was a rat-tatting on the window. She and John untwined and pulled apart swiftly, as they both looked up to see the boiler-suit-clad car wash attendant leaning in front of the windscreen miming angrily for them to move on.

“Oops!” Kayleigh said giggling, as she spotted just how much of her lipstick John had smeared all over his face.

John cleared his throat awkwardly and started up the car. “Where to now?” he asked, as they sat at the exit of the car park. 

“Is your Nana still at your house?” Kayleigh asked.

John rolled his eyes to the heavens. “NO! Jesus Christ, pay attention. I took her home yesterday.”

“Oh, in that case, we can’t waste a morning off...maybe we should go back to yours, just to check she’s not still there.” Kayleigh giggled again, as John met her eyes and waggled his eyebrows.

“If you insist…” John said, turning the car down the road towards his house. “So…”

Kayleigh placed her hand on his knee and squeezed. “So…” she returned.

“So how do you feel about car washes now?” John asked. “I thought maybe it might help you get over your fear if you associated them with something nice… assuming kissing me is nice.” He suddenly sounded like a nervous schoolboy.

“Oh I think car washes are ace… most romantic places on earth,” she offered. “Hmmm and kissing you? I don’t know if nice is the right word… I think I need more evidence before I can decide on just the right word.”

She leaned over and pulled his face towards her to land a quick kiss someplace between his cheek and lips. 

“God woman wait until we get home, we’ll end up in a car crash not a car wash at this rate. I’m driving here!” John said, but quickly flashed her a grin as he did.

Kayleigh giggled again, nice to know some things never changed.


End file.
